Commentary
Americans Resolve to Stay at Home in 2006
By Political Satirist Chris Davis
Jan 10, 2006

Washington—Shaken, battered and beaten, Americans—detailing atrocities in a report to Congress—have resolved to stay home in 2006.  The New Year’s resolution came after storms, the war in Iraq and President Bush ripped across the country, terrifying many in this beleaguered nation.

For many, the terror from Hurricane Katrina was a stark reminder as it tore across the Gulf Coast, flooding, pillaging and terrorizing African Americans in New Orleans.  The body count topped 1,300, and damage took its toll on a disheartened American public.  The flooding shone a spotlight on incompetence, poor planning and an uncaring Bush administration that crippled rescue and relief efforts, adding to the suffering of victims, and frustrating taxpayers and congressmen seeking political gain.

“The whole experience was terrifying,” cried James Thomas, a 25-year African American and resident of New Orleans.  “There were SWAT teams everywhere.  They were using flash and smoke grenades.  They burst into our home with guns blazing.  We had to pull out a white sheet to keep from being shot, and then we had to prove we owned the home.  What else would you expect from the Bush administration?  It was horrible!”

“We had orders to shoot any African American that moved,” stated Captain Ron Hammerstein, a 42-year old SWAT team commander.  “All I know is that the orders came from the top.  I was ready, willing and able.”

“The nightly reports of the atrocities at the Superdome in New Orleans did it for me,” whined Joe Hammerhuff, a 16-year old high school student from Pine Bluff, Arkansas.  “I’m never going to school again.  It’s too scary out there.”

Even though New Orleans was horrible, the stomachs of many Americans were turned at the constant reminder of insurgency in Iraq with the lack of progress evident in every nightly news report.  The shadow of constant violence shook many in this nation as the insurgents proved to be an unrelenting and hauntingly self-renewing force, attacking civilians, journalists and coalition forces.

“I know I could turn on CNN and was constantly reminded of how miserable things were in Iraq,” said Dawn Klymer, a 24-year old unemployed welfare recipient.  “If Mr. Bush can’t get us out of Iraq, how’s he going to protect Americans?  I know the only time I’m getting out of the house is to pick up my food stamps and welfare check.  Otherwise, I’m staying home.  There are too many terrorists out there, and occupying Iraq is only making it worse.”

The panic and fear grew larger as health officials braced for the threat of a global avian flu pandemic. By the middle of December, more than 35 people of the billions worldwide had died in 2005 as a result of the virus.  The devastation sent many Americans scrambling for bottled water, crackers and mixed nuts as they wait for President Bush to do something about it.

“I’ve called in to work for 2 weeks straight,” said John Bostoe, his hands trembling as he tried to light another cigarette.  “Yesterday, they told me not to bother coming back to work.  That’s fine for me.  I’m not going to get the bird flu.  We’ll see who has the last laugh.”

Bird flu wasn’t as terrible as the frenzy that broke out upon the nomination of John Roberts to the Supreme Court.  John Roberts, 50, initially tapped to fill O’Connor’s seat, was swiftly approved to succeed Rehnquist, becoming the 17th U.S. chief justice, and sending a shockwave of fear across the nation.

“When I learned of his stance on abortion,” crowed Joe Katazkian, a 36-year old interior decorator.  “I hyperventilated for almost half an hour.  That man really scares me.  Only Antonin Scalia scares me more.  That’s why I’m staying home in ’06.”

“It’s only a matter of time before Roberts strikes down our civil liberties.  When will this Bush regime end?  Please, God, let it end soon,” begged Maureen Hamlin, a 44-year old Boston, MA, resident.  “I’m staying home until it does.  I’m afraid of what will happen to me if I go outside.”

Despite the nomination of John Roberts, it would be U.S. oil companies that would spread more fear than created by the Great Depression across the fruited planes.  Energy prices—already pushed higher by the Iraq War, sharply increasing demand from China and India, and greedy oil companies—spiked in September when Hurricanes Katrina and Rita disrupted refining and distribution capacity, sending the average gasoline price above three dollars per gallon.

“Seeing gasoline prices higher than a gallon of milk or bottle of water, almost gave me a heart attack,” said Rush Limbaugh, a 54-year old conservative radio talk show host.  “I’m never leaving home in 2006.  It cost far too much for jet fuel!”

“Gas prices were atrocious,” yelled John Finklesteen, a 44-year old attorney.  “I could barely afford to drive my Cadillac Escalade in my commute from Seattle to Bremerton, Washington.  Somebody ought to do something about those greedy oil companies.  I’m doing all my work from home this year.  Prices are just outrageous!”

From Hurricane Katrina to the failure in Iraq, Americans have resolved to stay at home in 2006, not participating in the gloomy outlook.  Desperation has kicked in as families are stocking up on peanut butter and jelly, tuna fish and chicken salad.  The American people are clenching their fists and biting their nails in what appears to be another brutal year as gas prices rise and congressional elections loom.

Political Satirist Chris Davis is the author of Elective Decisions and In Defense of Liberty, two political thrillers from the Whiskey Creek Press.