The BIG Story This Week: Hotel security was called because a guest complained of loud, amorous noises coming from a room shared by Jessica Simpson and Adam Levine – OR - they responded because of noises coming from a room shared by Jessica Simpson and Jude Law!
(No kidding!)
It’s going to be that kind of a week in the world of the tabloids – STAR and US WEEKLY have Jessica kicking up her heels (so to speak) but can’t agree who the lucky guy is. So let’s get started.
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| Jessica accused of having loud sex with Jude or Adam |
According to US WEEKLY, they’ve uncovered a NEW CHEATING BOMBSHELL.. SCANDAL! .. SHE WAS WITH ANOTHER MAN WHILE MARRIED… NOW SHE’S BACK WITH THE SAME BAD BOY ROCKER AS NICK LEARNS THE TRUTH.
A bit wordy for our taste, but let’s take a look inside… on page 56, US WEEKLY announces IN 2004, SIMPSON HAD A HUSH-HUSH FLING WITH ADAM LEVINE….JESSICA’S NAUGHTY SECRET.
You can read the details for yourself but here’s the best part – according to the story: “Two night earlier (February 9, 2006), Simpson joined him (Adam) in his room (at the Chateau Marmont), remaining after guests left. Later, according to a hotel insider, security paid the couple a visit after a guest complained of loud, amorous noises coming from the room.” (TABLOID TUESDAY is shocked – and slightly aroused! Loud, amorous noises, from Jessica Simpson- wonder when that will be available for download to our iPod.)
But don’t get too excited (too late!). Over at STAR, the cover has a WORLD EXCLUSIVE … JESSICA & JUDE LAW … HOT & HEAVY! … STEAMY HOTEL ROMP! … SEXY TEXT MESSAGES! … REVEALED! (Oh, oh – here’s a !!! alert.)
Turning to page 46, the headlines announce JUDE & JESSICA’S HOT NEW HOOKUP… According to the story from someone who had a friend staying at the Chateau Marmont, “My friend was staying for a few days over the weekend of Feb 3,” a source tells Star. One night, an amazing couple walked into the room next door – it was Jessica Simpson and Jude Law. My friend had seen them around the hotel over the entire weekend – but to see them going into the same room together was a shock!”….Around 2a.m., according to the source, the guest was wrenched out of a deep sleep and had to call downstairs to the hotel’s management to ask for a change of rooms. Why? “She told me the people next door were very loud,” the source says. “She told me, ‘There was banging on the wall and loud noises behind my bed. It lasted half an hour, and it was impossible for me to get any sleep.”
(TABLOID TUESDAY is shocked – and slightly aroused again! Banging on the wall and loud noises for half an hour, from Jessica Simpson- though not as good as the loud, amorous noises reported by US Weekly.)
So it seems the only thing these two tabs agree on is that Jessica was having a hell of good time in a room at the Chateau Marmont with….. someone. (TABLOID TUESDAY will keep track of the men that the tabs report Jessica visits at the Chateau, in fact, TABLOID TUESDAY is checking into the Chateau – with all the high-tech video/audio gear we can carry.)
The folks at IN TOUCH announce IT’S TRUE! …JESSICA’S DATING ADAM! But that’s it – no noises from hotel rooms in the middle of the night. (Yawn!)
Over at the ENQUIRER, there’s nothing about Jessica, but the big story here is THE MOM AND BABY MURDERS … WHY HE DID IT … SECRET REASON HE SNAPPED … HIS TWISTED SEX LIFE… SHOCKING DETAILS OF THEIR FINAL MINUTES.
Other stories on the cover of this week’s ENQUIRER… PRINCE WILLIAM COCAINE SHOCKER! … ANGELINA BABY AT RISK DOCTORS WARN… FARRAH FAWCETT MY DRUG HELL! EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW and KELLY’S REVENGE ON REGIS … SHE’S DUMPING HIM TO REPLACE KATIE COURIC!
(Tabloid Tuesday knows that we have to take a look at one of the inside stories – but they all seem so B-O-R-I-N-G…. alright, let’s look at Prince William.)
Boy, are we sorry we accidentally chose that one. Turns out that Prince William wasn’t involved in any cocaine shocker – his friends were! There was a big party, the Prince was there, and a lot of the guys and gals were doing drugs – but not the Prince. (Tabloid Tuesday feels cheated – and insulted… but that seems to be quite common these days in the world of the tabs.)
So what else are the tabs talking about this week?
US WEEKLY seems to scraping the bottom of the barrel – they offer GRAMMYS … DRESSES, DRAMA, PARTIES! … MICHELLE OLYMPIC TEARS and SIMON’S FEUDS GET NASTY.
STAR trots out CELEBRITY SKATING SEX SCANDAL!...BRIT & KEV PUBLIC BRAWL! AFTER BUST-UP OVER BABY SCANDAL … BRAD & ANGELINA SECRET HONEYMOON!-IN PARIS!... EXCLUSIVE NEWS JEN TO TRY FERTILITY TREATMENTS.
(Sorry loyal readers, but Tabloid Tuesday can’t take any more disappointment. You’ll have to check out the celebrity skating sex scandal on your own.
IN TOUCH doesn’t do much better with WOW! HOW BEYONCÉ LOST 20 LBS! …. PLUS: IS THIS WHY JEN’S BACK IN THERAPY?
MEN.COM WORST OF THE WEEK: ENQUIRER
Not only for the ridiculous Prince William non-cocaine shocker story, but for one of the cheapest stunts Tabloid Tuesday has seen in a long time. On page 10, there’s a photo of an Enquirer reporter holding a baby car seat, plastered with Enquirer stickers. She tried to deliver it to Britney’s house for baby Sean and was shocked and outraged when no one would let her in to “accept our help to keep Sean safe.” Maybe if you took the Enquirer stickers off…. Cheap shot over a very serious problem.
MEN.COM BEST OF THE WEEK: STAR
Even though they and US WEEKLY disagree over who (whom) Jessica was making noise with in the hotel room, STAR puts together the most interesting cover stories in this very bleak week.
BEST QUOTE OF THE WEEK: The folks at US WEEKLY quote Jamie Foxx: “I was trying to sell this … ’96 big, yellow Bentley. I took it to this guy and he said, ‘I can’t give you any money for this ugly yellow Bentley’… So I put in on eBay and I put ‘Jamie Foxx, Academy Award winner’ with a picture of me and it sold for $150,000.00” (So THAT’S what “IT” is!!!)
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