Commentary
Thousands of Americans Check into Gasoline Rehab Clinics
By Political Satirist Chris Davis
May 26, 2006

Los Angeles—Despite the reaming that Americans are taking at the gas pumps, many are still willing to travel on this Memorial Day Weekend.  Thousands, however, are in desperate straits and have checked themselves into gasoline rehabilitation clinics to deal with the rising prices and windfall profits of oil companies.

“High gas prices are not just an inconvenience anymore,” fired Robert Gentile, director of Consumer Reports’ Auto Price Services. “They are forcing people to reconsider what and how they drive, even the way they live their lives.  They are forcing them into rehabilitation.  Many of the working poor can’t withstand this onslaught of capitalism from big oil.  This has to stop now!”

The clinics, offered by the General Motors Corporation during the post Hurricane Katrina price gouging era, are starting to see more and more people.  As the Memorial Day weekend nears, thousands of citizens—as well as illegal aliens—are being offered services.
 
Services run the gamut from a two hour counseling sessions to deep psychotherapy and even shock treatment.  Most, however, are reported to have received counseling and a strong drug regimen.  Still, others have received shock treatment and commitment papers, unable to overcome the vicious claws of big oil since the early days of Hurricane Katrina.

“I don’t know what I’d have done if it wasn’t for this wonderful clinic,” said Janine Markowitz, a 32-year old Walmart employee.  “I was hyperventilating when I came in the clinic door.  If it weren’t for a triple mocha latte, counseling and Haldol, I couldn’t even go to the gas station.  Now, I don’t care what the price of gas is, and I owe it all to General Motors.  They even arranged for financing on a 2006 Cadillac Escalade.  Life is great!”

The Los Angeles clinic director, Norm Gudenstein, noted that big oil is “destroying the middle class in America,” and that thousands of gasoline addicts “are being forced out of the workforce and onto welfare” because of big oil.

“Far too many of Americans are addicted to gasoline,” stated Gudenstein.  “The result has been catastrophic to the working poor and illegal aliens.  These illegals come to America for a better life and what do they get?  Ridiculously high gas prices.  It’s utterly absurd at the kinds of profits these oil companies are making on the backs of the poor.  It’s got to end somewhere, and the Bush administration just isn’t doing enough.  Thank God General Motors is willing to step up and be accountable.”

The Los Angeles clinic reportedly offers a serene, musak-filled environment, triple mocha lattes, and cubicles and cubicles of counselors at the patient’s beck and call.  Counselors, we’re told, are even available twenty four hours a day to accommodate all Americans.  A hotline—1-800-HIGH-GAS—has been established for those that can’t make it to the clinic, and will receive life-saving counseling services until an ambulance can arrive.
 
“This program is one of the boldest to strike at the heart of big oil,” quipped Dr. Larry Boshanks, the 56-year old chief psychiatric resident.  “I think General Motors has outdone themselves.  It’s a testament to what car companies are willing to do in this price-gouging era.  They should be saluted for their guts in standing up to the Exxon’s of the world.”

Clinics are being established across the nation, according to General Motors North America CIO Dana Deasy.  “We’re placing them in Los Angeles San Francisco, New York, Seattle, Atlanta and Phoenix,” commented Deasy.  “We’re telling big oil that we’re not going to sit around and take it anymore.  Here at GM we don’t just make fuel efficient cars we really care about the consumer.  And this program is a milestone in getting the hysteria under control from high gas prices.”

Sen. Trent Lott, R-MS, threatened to impose legislation against U.S. oil companies that were illegally gouging oil prices. The legislation, he claimed, would slap down oil companies found to be manipulating prices.  He noted that if big oil wanted to get down and dirty, the majority of the U.S. Senate was ready to get down and dirty with them.
 
“I don’t want to do something nasty here, but the American people are agitated about this, and there better be some restraint shown or the consequences are not going to be pretty,” Lott fired.  “Don’t make me bring these big oil fat cats on the hill, because I will.  Just keep pushing up those prices and see what happens.  They saw what happened to Dubai Ports.  Do they really want that to happen to them?  I don’t think so.”

“Our present system of energy is weakening our national security, hurting our pocketbooks, violating our common values, and threatening our children’s future.  There won’t be any future for our children if these gas prices keep going up.  Prices are putting a big whole in the American dream for low income families.  This is going to stop or else big oil will pay,” claimed Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY.

As gas prices continue to rise, it’s only a matter of time before Congress takes action to strike down the venomous price gouging.  The ravaging effects of gas prices on Americans’ wallets have forced General Motors to take a lead in the fight to cure the hysteria big oil has created.  So, in a desperate maneuver, the General Motors Corporation has struck a blow in the war on oil, giving consumers options for those that feel they have no other choices left.

Political Satirist Chris Davis is the author of Elective Decisions and In Defense of Liberty, two political thrillers from the Whiskey Creek Press.