Virtual Stocking Stuffers: Jonas Bothers, Miley Cyrus & Jennifer Aniston Collect
By Marilyn Beck and Stacy Jenel Smith
Dec 24, 2008
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town, big spending celebs had gone underground. The economy was busted, their fans had lost jobs. It was time to skip parties and lavish gewgaws. What to do for their gifts? We knew in a flash -- time for virtual presents that cost us no cash!
Virtual Stocking Stuffers: Jonas Bothers, Miley Cyrus & Jennifer Aniston Collect
To Madonna, who is paying between $76-92 million in her divorce settlement from Guy Ritchie -- a new, female cover version of Jerry Reed's No. 1 hit from 1982, "He Got the Goldmine, I Got the Shaft." Even if she were cuddling up to gristle, that's a lot.
To Guy Ritchie -- an industrial size paper shredder to make confetti out of all the tabloids featuring stories about Madonna's relationship with Yankee's star Alex Rodriguez. Could be used in festive celebration of collecting $92 million.
To "90210's" scarecrow-skinny cast members Shenae Grimes, Jessica Stroup and AnnaLynne McCord -- VIP access to every 'All You Can Eat' buffet in town.
To Jennifer Aniston, who stars in the February-debuting feature "He's Just Not That Into You," and who took John Mayer back after he'd blabbed to the media about breaking up with her -- a good man who (SET ITAL) is (END ITAL) that into her.
To Hugh Jackman, who will be hosting the Academy Awards this coming year -- some good luck charms to help him channel the best hosts of the past: a crystal, a Whoopie cushion, a ray of hope, a rock, a kilt made of Stewart plaid and Ed McMahon.
To Jessica Simpson -- a fishing rod, to reel in Tony Romo.
To former train wreck Britney Spears -- a rail pass to stay on the right track.
To Russell Brand, whose no-holds-barred humor has gotten him into trouble lots'a times, and has included joking about everything from the Jonas Bros.' chastity rings to his own heroin addiction -- 1,000 rolls of duct tape, to keep himself together so he can enjoy the superstardom coming his way.
To Nick, Joe and Kevin Jonas -- All-terrain boots, to walk over the potholes of teen idoldom and keep their feet on the ground, and compasses so they don't get lost.
To Lynn Spears, who reportedly sold the story of 17-year-old daughter Jamie Lynn's unwed pregnancy to Britain's OK! magazine for $1 million, and made more money off her "Through the Storm" memoir that contained intimate revelations about daughter Britney -- a copy of the Ruth J. Sample text "Exploitation: What It Is and Why It's Wrong."
To Miley Cyrus -- a new jacket with extra-long coattails for her daddy Billy Ray to ride on.
To Rosetta Millington, estranged wife of Balthazar Getty -- a percentage of the sales of all the tabloids featuring her husband cavorting in Italy last summer with topless Sienna Miller.
To Sienna Miller -- a bra.
To Travis Barker and DJ AM, who survived the plane crash that took the lives of their friends -- some much-needed peace and speedy recovery from their burns.
To Paula Abdul, who gets herself into trouble every time she opens her mouth, as in making statement after statement about the girl who killed herself in front of Paula's house -- a muzzle.
To Elizabeth Hasselbeck and the bickering ladies of "The View" -- a time out.
To Anne Hathaway, who endured the humiliation of her handsome Italian boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri, turning out to be a con man who got sent to prison for fraud -- a copy of "How to Get Over a Past Relationship Faster Than You Think," by Stewart Marshall Gulley.
To Mike Myers, whose awful "Love Guru" flop was a rare career misstep -- Lojack to recover his talent.
To Sean Penn -- A sense of humor.
To "The Hills'" creator Adam DiVello -- A reality show with so much drama, it doesn't have to be "a little fake" (as he once described a sequence in "The Hills"). This could be, "The Hills of Wasilla," set in Alaska, with Levi Johnston, the 18-year-old self-proclaimed "f$@!ing redneck" high school hockey star, his baby mama, Bristol Palin, Levi's own mama, Sherry Johnston, recently arrested on six felony charges involving drug possession and manufacturing, and his mother-in-law to be, Sarah Palin, governor of the state.
To the overexposed, annoying twosome Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt -- a trip to the hills of the Bermuda Triangle.
To NBC, which is larding its schedule with reality shows and, as of September, Jay Leno doing five nights a week in prime time -- a towel to throw in.
To Leno -- track shoes and vitamins. He'll need them.
To Conan O'Brien, who was getting ready to ascend to the "Tonight Show": throne, only to have Leno's prime time show upstage him -- surgery to have the knife extracted from his back.
To Jay-Z, who has been returning and returning from his self-proclaimed retirement since 2003 -- a copy of Kelly Clarkson's song "Just Walk Away."
To Rocco Ritchie, Lourdes Ciccone Leon, Sean Preston, Jayden James Federline and Matilda Rose Ledger, and all the other offspring of the famed who have to cope with family traumas and tragedies while in the fishbowl of celebrity -- a quiet, sheltering place.
And to all the celebs who tirelessly give of themselves, whether by visiting Make-a-Wish children, doing USO shows in far-off dangerous places, going green, lending their star power to the fights against cancer, heart disease, AIDS, Alzheimer's and other causes -- continuing health, high energy and blessings to you.
To all you readers, the same, and to all a good night.
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