Q: I worked as a director for 12 years where I reported to the executive director. The executive director's position was filled six times; three of the directors were fired. I got along with everyone, but never applied for the position because of its history.

The most recent executive director wanted obedience, as evidenced by her comment, "I'm used to telling people what to do, and they do it without question."

She criticized me privately and publicly, and I tolerated it quietly in respect to her position. Finally, I sent a memo to the human resource vice president and HR investigated the situation. Others confirmed my report on the boss. HR even witnessed one of her tirades where she exclaimed, "I'm the boss; I'm the boss!" HR didn't resolve it soon enough, so I quit because I was exhausted and unable to defend myself any longer. I have many references from others I worked with, and I have had interviews. I just don't know how to explain why I left.

A: It is unfortunate you tolerated so much abuse before reporting it, and a shame HR allowed a tyrant to reign for any length of time. Your long and successful work record should have been the key for HR to proceed; perhaps, the history of previous directors being fired caused HR's hesitancy.

Your many references and length of employment speaks highly for you. When interviewers ask why you left, explain the revolving door of directors above you and that you wanted a change in environment and culture. For future employment, it's important to understand the psychology in dealing with difficult people, so you never again let a person destroy you emotionally.

Jacque Hess, M.Ed. and Licensed Professional Counselor in Washington D.C., says in lay terms, "People who behave as your former boss did are miserable human beings," but she would need a professional assessment done to diagnose the person as having a personality disorder. "People with a personality disorder will never see themselves as the problem, as they think the problem is always everyone else. They can get better through counseling and proper medication."

Hess says dealing with a difficult boss requires tremendous patience and suggests never engaging in anything with the person beyond what needs to be addressed. It is important for your well being to never take anything the person says or does to you personally. This is not the type of person with which you should ever share personal information and experiences. When dealing with serious issues, have HR present for all verbal exchanges, and email when possible to create a record. It sounds like you exercised great patience, but fell short by taking your boss's abusive behavior to heart.

Setting boundaries with difficult bosses is important. Hess says to discuss boundaries of conduct with an HR rep present. Decide on such issues as adhering to a predetermined length of time for meetings, location (such as in an office and not a hallway), tone of voice (calm and respectful), and using a polite speaking pattern (no interrupting) when communicating. If the boss crosses the established boundaries, leave the room and reschedule the meeting. "Time outs" are not just for children.

You can only control yourself, but you can accept or reject how someone else treats you. Someone else's emotional outbursts say nothing about you. Know it, accept it and move on to a peaceful environment where you can engage in productive behavior with others. It is sad when dysfunctional adults disrupt the calm status quo, but when HR fails, know you still have the power to succeed.

Email Lindsey Novak at LindseyNovak@yahoo.com with all your workplace questions. She answers all emails.

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