Ledger Pop Journal - Celebrity News & Sports

So you are the Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt baby named Shiloh Nouvel have finally arrived totally unaware of what is in store for you. Wondering what all the fuss is about? You are Hollywood royalty. How do we know that you are such?

A satirical look at the royal baby

Well, the signs were there for all to see.

There was speculation about you and your potential for great beauty when you were but a twinkle in your daddy's eyes. Your mommy says you just happened, alluding to an immaculate conception, but we know better. So there was intense scrutiny for the slightest bump. The first picture of your confirmed bump was sought and valued.

Your daddy spent five million dollars on security to protect the family and royal tummy during the past year, it is said. And as if that were not enough, your mommy's safety was protected by armed guards ordered by heads of state even on her unofficial visits.

She did travel quite a bit, in private planes of course, during your last trimester. Your daddy, the royal consort, ever so concerned about your well-being, made sure that a doctor was part of her entourage and that suites for your birth were reserved in Los Angeles, Paris, Berlin, Namibia, basically anywhere your mother might care to be at the time of your coming.

While you were busy dividing you were in residence at Castel Gabriel, a castle-like estate in the south of France with its very own Hyde Park and heli-pad. If that is not a sign of royalty, the following certainly is.

Your mommy, Angelina, The Holy, deposed the current Queen Elizabeth II from the cover of Royalty magazine at the time of the Queen of England's very own birthday. Furthermore, pictures of you as a much larger bump contemplating sand castles in the famous dunes of Namibia appeared in Hello, a tabloid often graced by European royalty.

There was much speculation about your name as there could be no common name for you. Soon there will be an understated but spectacular ceremony full of meaning at which you will be officially granted your title as the biological first child and heir to an immense fortune though you may have to share that with some siblings.

Yes, you have two siblings-in-waiting, Maddox and Zahara, and no doubt there are going to be more. So you will never want for playmates or sibling rivalry. When you tire of them there will be play dates arranged through your secretary/nanny with Suri, Moses and other children of the stars.

Your social calendar will be full and life will be good and even exciting as you will probably be home-schooled so that you can travel with your mother, a goodwill ambassador for the U.N. This will be character building because you will realize just how privileged and fortunate you are and you will never have to be told to clean your plate.

Your mommy's kingdom is the Third World and she bestows her benevolence upon it. Your daddy has an empire called Plan B. One day you may take some responsibility in the ruling of that empire. But you will have to show aptitude and learn the ropes first if you are going to be hands-on. Or you could just be a titular head.

Once upon a time your father shared that empire with Jennifer Aniston, but you do not have to concern yourself with her as she has been exiled. Your daddy had the royal wedding with her but he had the royal pregnancy and birth with your mommy and you. Nonetheless, you should watch out for poisoned apples.

It will not all be rosy in your kingdom. Much will be expected from you from day one. There will be pressure to be the most beautiful baby ever. The court photographers, the paparazzi, will be documenting every milestone in your life. At least they will try. Bad baby hair day? Flash! Chubby adolescence? Flash! Teeenage zit? Flash! First misdemeanor? Flash! Your loyal public awaits.


Jesse Smith, sometimes satirist, lives in Canada and occasionally comments and contributes to media whenever what needs to be said remains unsaid.