The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC and stars Ben Flajnik for 2012.

Hello, Readers. Welcome back to what has quickly proven itself to be the b*tchiest season in Bachelor history. For crying out loud, what is the world coming to when we can’t even count on our reality television to fairly and accurately represent a cross-section of our population?

Then again, if we narrow that cross-section down to attention seeking, morally flexible females who have the ability to ditch their lives for five weeks with no consequences, then I suppose we got the real deal on Monday night. Top the cat fights, crying, and pettiness off with the fact that I missed the first half of the National Championship game to watch the show and Some Guy is a little disenchanted. No worries, however. My disenchantment often breeds sarcasm and sharp insults. Let’s get to it.

We begin—oddly enough—as we’d begin our hometown episodes usually much later in the season. After some gratuitous bikini shots and a sneak peak at Blakeley’s inexplicable frilly, turquoise bathing suit which, based upon the size and girth of her implants I can only assume was reinforced with some material taken from Superman’s leotard, we see Ben walking his Jack Russell terrier through the mean streets of Sonoma, California in an army green shirt he clearly borrowed from Ames.

Grapes, sun, and the hominess of Ben’s home town are interspersed with Flipcam (or the latest equivalent sponsor) shots of the girls in their casual airplane attire . . . and heels . . . arriving at the local airport. In anticipation of their arrival, Ben drives aimlessly amidst the grapes in “his” Scrambler with his dog as the women hop aboard convertible Studebakers and coif champagne while—you guessed it—driving through the grapes.

Two points before I move on: First, Jack Russell terriers are terrible dogs. They suck. Sure, they’re cute and all but they’re surprisingly nasty, they never calm down, and they stink like a homeless man under a bridge when they get older. They’re horrible with children as well. If you have one (a terrier not a child) please save your time defending the breed. I don’t care how “intelligent” they are and I don’t care that John Mahoney had one on Frasier. I’m sure they’re lovely in the right environment.

Second, what happened to the budget on this show?

Upon further reflection, I assume the top picks will be traveling somewhere exotic. It makes no sense for ABC to drop significant dough on the window dressing. Still, hometown walking tours are about as cheap as it gets. Like ABC, I’ll chalk that up to Ben’s “simplicity” and move forward. I miss zip lining and bungee jumping, though. Remember when Jake—who is allegedly a pilot—cried like a fairy at the top of that bridge? Now THAT was good television. Annnyyhooo.

The girls arrive just in time for Blakeley to exit the Studebaker in her younger, smaller sister’s romper that she borrowed because “it would look SO cute on.” I’m not a big fan of the foul language and blatant insults spewing out of the women’s mouths like fresh oil from Spindletop (we’ll get to that later), but I have to agree that she looked as cheap as a stolen pistol in that getup. I smiled, shook my head, sipped my Lone Star, and sat back waiting for Harrison to arrive and welcome everyone to “an emotional week” before dropping the first date card.

Sadly, an early Harrison appearance was not in the budget this week either.

What. The. Fu*ck? No Harrison?

Having Ben welcome the ladies to Sonoma and drop his own date card instead of Harrison is like going to a strip club and having the bartender hop up to center stage and do a pole dance. I felt cheated and I let my television set know it. Regardless, Kacie B.—who looked lovely, by the way--gets the first date and the back biting begins in earnest.

Ben tells us that he wants “to show her something that’s extremely personal.” Now we’re talking, I thought. Usually we have to wait until Fantasy Suite week for thinly veiled statements about unabashed, anonymous copulation. Kacie throws on some tiny black shorts and a striped sailor shirt and Ben arrives—for some reason—in an oxford and a vest. A vest? Is he a magician? A blackjack dealer? Is he a banker in the 1800’s in Tombstone, Arizona? Is he moonlighting at Chippendales? Does he work in the mall? Is he planning on trying his hand in Vaudeville? Does he own a haberdashery? A vest?

By the way, feel free to post your comments regarding other proper places to wear a vest. In the interest of time, I’ll move on. A vest?

After strolling past the Sonoma Cheese Factory—where they would probably find Jake, Wes, and Brad—Ben does another Josh Groban impression at the local hotel piano bar and heads to the local candy store for some lunch box and baton shopping with Kacie. They “quaint” and “so neat” each other (and us) to death before having some good dinner conversation and some laughs.

I’ll say this about Kacie: she was attractive, fun, a good listener, and seemed to genuinely appreciate Ben and his home town. She’s didn’t come across as fake, uncomfortable, or insincere. Top that off with the fact that she has the flexibility to leave her administrative assistant job and high tail it from Tennessee to California and we may be looking at a finalist. Then again, Brad had a killer first date with Ashley before she melted down over the course of the next few episodes. It’s early, but she hit a home run on this date. She got a rose before heading to the theater for some home movies.

The only thing I’ll say about this portion of the date is that I’m glad it was Kacie and not one of the fake, insincere, attention seekers who got to share the dad video with him. I’m sure the Producers knew that when they called her parents for the video. My only regret is that we didn’t get to see Blakeley’s childhood videos. My guess is that she would have been wearing that same romper. Granted, it would have fit a bit differently.

Ding Dong. Date card. STILL no Harrison. Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki, and Jaclyn get the “Come play with me. Ben” date card and Blakeley gets bitchy. By the way, I thought Rachel and Jennifer looked great. With toned down make up and hair they both looked several years younger and much more attractive than I gave them credit for initially. Sure, the “red” hair is a bit over the top, but I’ll chalk that up to lighting and television. Monica, on the other hand, looked as bad as she did last week. She had enough rouge splattered all over her face to repaint an old barn.

Ben wanders around with his borderline feminine dog in white cut off knee shorts that we assume once held the same proud place as the gray Levis in his closet before becoming shorts. Blakeley shows up in her romper with her boobs flailing around like flags in a windstorm and tells us that she hopes Ben “sees her.” Trust me, Blakeley, with that outfit and those implants Helen Keller would have seen you. She looked cheap and unattractive in the daylight. She acted like it too.

As Samantha commences peppering Blakeley with the “hooker” and “whore” comments that would eventually drive Blakeley to fake cry under cover of rolling luggage bags, we learn that the community theater will host “Prince Pinot of Bachelorville” as written by Sonoma’s fifth through seventh graders.

I’ll skip the tryouts in favor of pointing out that the kid who upon realizing that Blakeley’s outfit wouldn’t fit his younger sister asked her if she could jog in slow motion. I’m not sure if it’s a statement about me, eighth grade boys, or men in general, but that’s exactly what I was thinking when she hit the stage.

Her whole cans hanging out and sexual energy act might go over like gang busters at whatever VIP lounge she waitresses at, but Ben and his small town are not likely to buy it.

Some Guy has the rest of the recap here and admits he may have made a mistake in his Jenna assessment.